Wednesday, April 16, 2014

you can be a hero, not a rock n roll zero

Kohl's Vera Wang Princess sweater, thrifted Olsenboye dress, vintage 1900's necklace, and Betsey Johnson platforms.

I have been patiently waiting for about six months to wear this dress. I bought it a long while ago for 60 cents, I shit you not. Last week it was finally warm enough to wear it! But as a result of sitting in my closet waiting, it got all wrinkled! Oh well, you win some and lose some.

The only way anyone could possibly use the word "tall" when describing me is when I wear these platforms. They have been one of my favorites for years now and not just because they make me a little taller. They are probably the most impractical footwear for a girl who walks around like a baby colt in flats. It's okay - if you see me fall, you can laugh. The platform on these are not all black like these photos would have you believe. Here's a better pic:

Funny little side story I'll share with you. It's pretty stupid, so click away now!  Looking at these photos, I realized the skin on my legs is still messed up (you probably can't tell but I can) from almost two years ago.
That was when Brian and our close friend decided to go hiking in a park we'd never been to before. It was getting dark and the boys (can't let them do anything) decided it would be faster if we cut through the woods. Google Maps indicated a clearing not that far from where we were. After 15 minutes, it became clear there wasn't an easy way and mud started to stick to our shoes. Soon the mud was up to our knees and razor grass was sticking to our legs and ripping the skin open (I had jean shorts on that were pretty small and clearly was suffering the most). After about 45 minutes, lots of compass wielding, and angry grunts, we reached the clearing. Which was NOT A CLEARING AT ALL. It was a mother effing swamp. Obviously disgruntled and fumbling in the dark, we slumped against a tree to regroup. We decided to call the cops, who informed us that they couldn't do anything because we were smack in the middle of the woods. They couldn't call for us or easily send someone in to help. I proceeded to drop my phone in the disgusting swamp gunk and almost didn't recover it. Dan (our friend) decided it would be best to just follow the compass in one direction until we reached the end of the woods. It was the only thing we could do. He led us, while Brian and I screamed at each other (poor Dan). It was not my best moment, but my legs were being ripped apart by razor grass.
We ended up getting out of the death woods and almost cried when we did. A cop was nice enough to find us and drive us back to our cars which ended up being 7 MILES AWAY from where we ended up.
Afterward, I bought 3 packs of Hostess Orange Cupcakes (before they went under) and binge ate them while sitting in a ball. We also took super long showers and started vacantly all night while contemplating what the hell we were doing with our lives. The cuts I got from that night were absolutely horrific and people would stop me on the street and asked what happened. I've never been embarrassed to say it, but it definitely makes me look stupid. That's because it was stupid.
Moral of this story: don't let boys convince you that a dumb idea is a good one.

Goodness. I hope you enjoyed that and if you didn't, here is a song by an amazing fictional band:

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